When Joseph was a week old I started to write down a few things that I noticed were happening. The fact that it has taken me 11 months to write this says it all.
30 signs you are a new mom
1: You start on such a high and think you are a superwoman. You can feed, clean, organise the house, go for lunch, watch loads of box sets. Sure, you’re up 20 hours and you realise you can get sh*t done.
2. One week later you realise that it was just your happy hormones and adrenaline working, it’s now all run out, and you’d like some of it back … please. I’m broken.
3. You fight with your partner about who had more sleep. Can even be heard saying, “You had a deeper hour’s sleep than me as you got to snore.”
4. Pretending to be asleep so your partner gets up to soothe the baby.
5. Your first questions to another parent are: “Does your baby sleep?” and “What did you do?”
6. Getting a chance to gather a wash is a good day.
7. Washing it is an achievement.
8: Putting it out is epic.
9. Eating cake for lunch, breakfast and dinner. Sure I’m breast feeding … six months later you wonder why you never lost weight breastfeeding.
10.Your buggy (ahem, I mean ‘travel system’) costs more than your car.
11. If someone gives you ten minutes, you can empty the dishwasher, put away clothes, tidy the bedroom. You wonder what the hell were you doing with your time in the past.
12. You are starting to look like a mime artist all in black. It hides spit-ups and your figure. Win-win.
13. You believe wet wipes are mankind’s best invention. Who needs the wheel? These can clean your clothes, wash a baby (don’t call social services) and even sometimes yourself.
14: ‘Body con’ dresses give you nightmares.
15: You haven’t cooked a dinner in 3 months.
16: You liken cutting the baby’s nails to open heart surgery. There can’t be anything harder.
17: When the grunting starts in the moses basket you wonder, ‘Is this normal?’
18. You take longer in the shower as you know your other half has it covered. You wonder will they notice if you take a nap in the bath?
19. Instead of buying €20 euros of petrol you fill the tank as it’s just too stressful taking baby out of the car…and if you leave the baby in the car someone might call social services.
20. You plan to meet friends at 12 but turn up at 2. The baby wanted feeding, then there was an incident with a poonami and not to mention all the paraphernalia you need to just leave the house.
21.You think daytime telly is pretty awesome.
22. You can do anything with one hand.
23. Before baby’s arrival you never thought of going to a baby group. With baby in tow this group makes you feel normal.
24. You grab your partner in the night thinking it’s the baby as you have nightmares of them falling out of the bed. Only to be told, again, that the baby is in the moses basket.
25. When they finally go to sleep, an hour later, you kind of miss them, till you hear them stirring and you believe you’ve brought this on yourself.
26. You take an unbelievable amount of selfies.
27. Making your baby laugh is EVERYTHING. Even if this requires breaking out moves that haven’t seen the light of day since 1999.
28. The buggy has given you a tiny glimpse into how navigating a wheelchair must be beyond hard.
29. All hail the single parent. How the hell do they do it? And don’t even mention multiple births. Those parents deserve a sainthood or at least a few nights of free babysitting a month.
30. When your baby is six months old and starting to sleep you actually start to miss the early days … and realise it’s been the best ride of your life.